JOKES

ACCOUNTING JOKES

There once was a business owner who was interviewing people for a division manager position. He decided to select the individual that could answer the question "how much is 2+2?" 

The engineer pulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced, "It lies between 3.98 and 4.02".
The mathematician said, "In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following short proof."
The physicist declared, "It's in the magnitude of 1x10¹."
The logician paused for a long while and then said, "This problem is solvable."
The social worker said, "I don't know the answer, but I a glad that we discussed this important question.
The attorney stated, "In the case of Svenson vs. the State, 2+2 was declared to be 4."
The trader asked, "Are you buying or selling?"
The accountant looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair, went to see if anyone was listening at the door and pulled the drapes. Then he returned to the business owner, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "What would you like it to be?"


 A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: "Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary."
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old toy boy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that l8 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

A job interview is in progress, a bright and experienced accountant is interviewing for a position of a CFO. He is being interviewed by the members of board of directors and a CEO. During the interview the CEO suddenly asks: "Tell me, what is seven multiplied by three?" The accountant thinks fast and tells "22." Once the interview is over the accountant goes out, takes out the calculator and finds the answer - 21, disappointed, he goes home. Next morning he gets a call from the CEO, "Hey, you got a job." The accountant is pleasantly surprised. He cannot but ask, "Thank you very much for the job but what about seven multiplied by three?" The CEO tells him - "of all the candidates we interviewed, you came the closest."

  

 On a sunny afternoon three accountants are standing near a tall pole and wondering about the height of the pole. First accountant, a CPA says, I do not think there is any authoritative guidance on how measure the height of a pole, that is not the job of accountants. Second accountant, a professor at a state university says, well, if we take a survey of similar locations and asked people about the height of poles, then we may be able to deduce height of this pole, it will be a good enough estimate. The third accountant is a professor at an Ivy league university. He confidently claims, if we measure the shadow of the pole under different conditions, then I can run a multivariate regression model and can give a very good estimate of the height. As this conservation is going on, an engineer is passing by, he stops and asks about their discussion. Accountants tell him, you probably can not understand this complex problem. The engineer persists and hears about the problem. He smiles, lifts the pole from the base, measures it, and says, "twelve feet and three inches," and walks off. Accountants look at him, laugh contemptuously and say in unison - "hell, we wanted to know the height of the pole and he tells us the length." 


A very successful partner is a big six firm had a peculiar habit. He will go to his desk open a locked drawer, look inside, lock the drawer again, and start his work. His subordinates knew that he hid the secret of his success in the drawer, they waited for the opportunity. One day when the partner had gone out of the city, the juniors decided to make a break. They broke into the drawer, breathlessly, and looked inside. There was one small piece of paper inside - it said - "left is debit and right is credit." 


A Martian lands to plunder, pillage, and burn. The Martian goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the solar system. We're here to destroy your civilization, pillage, and burn. What do you think of that?' The owner replies "I cannot express an opinion based on a hearsay evidence, I am a Chartered Accountant"


An auditor is hard at work, auditing an airline. The auditor cannot understand an excess fuel consumption on a Detroit to Erie route, for flight no. 420. The auditor calls the pilot and demands an explanation. The pilot replies "It was a late night, snow storm was raging, and I lost my bearings." The auditor demands a statement, "for what?" the pilot asks. The auditor tells him "for lost bearings."


The auditors have taken an inventory of thermometers held in a warehouse, in summer. The thermometers will be exported out of the country in January, and are kept under lock and key. In December, auditors ask management to redo the inventory count. The management is surprised "Why? Nothing has changed." Auditors tell them "The inventory is overstated, in summer there is more mercury in the thermometers."
There was an expert accountant who was well versed in the game theory. He once hears that his intelligent niece, who is five years old, always takes a nickel, when a choice between a nickel and a dime is offered. He explains to his niece "You must understand, dime is twice as valuable as a nickel, so always choose a dime." The niece tells "Uncle, but then people will not offer me any money."


Man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock." The shepherd thinks it over, it’s a big flock so he takes the bet. "973" says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. Says "OK, I am a man of my word, take an animal." Man picks one up and begins to walk away. "Wait," cries the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." Man says sure. "You are an accountant with a Big Six firm," says the shepherd. "Amazing!" responds the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that? "Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."


An Indian Accountant's Theory of Reincarnation - if you are a good accountant, virtuous accountant, then you are reborn as an engineer. But if you are evil, wicked accountant, you are reborn as a psychologist.
One day in microeconomics, the professor was writing up the typical "underlying assumptions" in preparation to explain a new model. I turned to my friend and asked, "What would Economics be without assumptions?" He thought for a moment, then replied, "Accounting."
A science graduate asks, "Why does it work?" An engineering graduate asks, "How does it work?" An accounting graduate asks, "How much it costs?" A humanity graduate asks, "Do you want fries with that, Sir?"


A man lands on a hot air balloon in the middle of the desert, not knowing his whereabouts he looks around. Along walks another guy so the balloon man asks "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" "Sure" says the other one "longitude 23'45", latitude 34'12". "Oh," says the balloon man, "you must be accountant" "As a matter of fact, I am, how did you know?" "Well, you just gave me a very precise piece of worthless information." " I see" says the accountant "and you must be a consultant." "You are right, how did you know?" "As long as you're up in the air, you seem to know where you're going, but as soon as you get down to earth, you're lost."
While waiting to board a plane in a small airport, a ticket agent said on the paging system: "Would the accountant who dropped his pants please return to the ticket counter."  After a slight pause, the same voice added, "The pants were on a hanger!"


An auditor is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.  "Doctor, I just can't get sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend many hours trying to find it."


Three accountants were in the urinal performing their morning constitutional.  The first finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands.  He then proceeds to dry his hands carefully.  He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried.   Turning to other two accountants, he says - "Chartered Accountants are trained to be extremely thorough."
The second finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands.  He uses a single paper and makes sure that he dries every drop of water from his hands using every available portion of the paper towel.  He turns and says - "Certified Accountants are not only trained be extremely thorough but also trained to be extremely efficient."
The third accountant finishes and walks straight for the door.  "Management Accountants learn not to piss on their hands."


Accountant's Life:
He was a very cautious man, who never romped or played.
He never smoked, he never drank, nor even kissed a maid.
And when up and passed and away, insurance was denied.
For since he hadn't ever lived, they claimed he never died.  


A partner is discussing ethics policy with the staff accountant.  He says "We take ethics very seriously around here.  Remember, we are professionals not businessmen."  The young staff accountant is impressed.   The partner elaborates "Yesterday I received a check from a client.  It paid $5,000 more than our bill.  Immediately an ethical question arose, shall I tell it to other partners?"


An auditor is hard at work auditing a manufacturing plant.  He spots one worker at the end of the shift, that worker is always carrying a wheelbarrow covered with an opaque cloth.  The auditor is certain something is fishy.   He asks the security to check the wheelbarrow.  Many surprise checks, security finds nothing.  On the last day of the audit the auditor goes to the worker and asks, "Alright, I give up.  I know you are taking something.  I cannot prove it .   I do not want to pursue it.  I just want to know.  What are you stealing?"  The worker replies, "Wheelbarrows."


A Tax Official has come to a rural synagogue for an inspection. The rabbi is accompanying him. "So rabbi, tell me, please, after you have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do with the crumbs?"
"Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and then they make bread of them again and send it to us."
"Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you do with the ends?"
"We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from them and send them to us."
"And what about circumcision? What do you do with those leftover pieces?"
The rabbi, wearily, replies, "We send them to the city as well."
"To the city!? And what do they send to you?"
"Today they have sent you to us."

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